WHO not WHAT
How Changing My Questions is Changing My Life
What am I gonna do now?
That question, or some variation of it, haunted me most of 2023. Unless you’re brand new here, you know that up until 15 months ago, I spent my entire adult life as a pastor. I resigned at the end of 2022, and (other than referencing it here) I haven’t provided many other online reflections.
Everyone asks me how I feel about it, and I usually respond with one word.
GREAT!
My eyebrows raise; I unsuccessfully un-suppress a smile and talk about how I’m enjoying this season. What I don’t talk about much is one of the most important lessons I learned last year after going through a bit of an identity/purpose/meaning crisis.
For close to two decades, my days and responsibilities were regimented. No two days were the same, but they all had the same ingredients. It was kind of like making pancakes, or bread, or waffles, or cake, or muffins from scratch. They’re all technically different things, yet they share the same base ingredients. Eggs, flour, water, sugar salt, milk…you get it. My life felt like that.
I knew that every day would have some of the same base ingredients: counseling, studying, preaching, listening to people’s problems, joys, managing staff, helping people navigate big decisions, community outreach, comforting, correcting, etc. The ingredients were the same, the proportions were just different. In some ways, every day was the same. In other ways, every day tasted different.
I NEVER woke up wondering what I would do. That much was already pretty set.
I ALWAYS woke up wondering how much of each thing would I be doing today.
Then I left the pastorate, and suddenly, it became almost impossible to predict not just what my days would be like, but what the rest of my life would be like.
What am I gonna do now? For most of 2023, that question haunted me, and I spent all of 2023 thinking that an answer was the key to its exorcism.
The answer to that question never really came, and I spent most of the year drowning.
Drowning In Possibility
This is the only way I could describe what and how I felt. Possibility is exciting for most people. For 2023 John…not so much. My identity was nestled warmly in the narrow confines of a safe, respectable career that almost everyone assumes would be should be a life-long one. When that changed, for the first time since I was a teenager, I looked out and saw a different kind of possibility.
And it terrified me.
It kind of feels like when my family goes to the beach. My wife might as well be a mermaid with how well she swims and how much she loves the water. Me? I’m more like a dense rock that can’t help but hug the ocean floor. I’m what you call an “almost swimmer” (others might call me an actual drowner, but I’ve found the former designation sounds a little more hopeful). When we look at the same ocean we both see something very different.
Shawndra sees leisure. A fun time floating care-free.
I see liability. All I can think of are the times I almost drowned at age 6 and 11. So I hug the shore, finding security in always being able to see my feet AND the ocean floor.
That’s how it felt at this point 15 months ago. Not really sure where paychecks were gonna come from. I had enough money and speaking gigs to float me through the summer and into the fall. But after that, who knew.
I told myself to relax for at least the first quarter of the year…then move on.
I then slowly convinced myself that if I worked hard trying to secure the rest of my year through the first quarter, I’d better enjoy the remainder of the year. I thought that solving the what would be the key to finding peace.
Before I knew it, I landed a job that seemed custom-made for me, my experiences, gifting, passions, and burdens.
And then Fall 2023 happened. We did round 2 of We Go On and I traveled the country talking about grief for 13 nights over the course of 27 days. I spent my days laughing, eating, road-tripping, laughing, arguing, working out, and laughing with the same people by day. Every day.
Shawndra Onwuchekwa
Rich Perez
David Perdue
Allen Swoope
Leslie Mack
Kimberly Powell
Around that same time, my best friend moved back to ATL after a 5-year hiatus.
Imani Swoope helped to hold my professional and personal life together.
My therapist kept me sane and helped me embrace and love the new things I was learning about myself.
I spent time on my front porch every week with Rich Mullen & Dave Holloman.
I spent almost every morning last fall posted up in the corner of Portrait Coffee, peering over the top of my computer or book watching Aaron Fender & Marcus Hollinger make our dream a reality as they glided around the cafe in their raw denim and church shoes.
And by the end of the year, I realized the question that haunted me had simply vanished. By the end of the year, I looked up and that ghost of a question was nowhere to be found.
When I look back on 2023 the most important lesson I learned didn’t have anything to do with WHAT I do. I’ve learned that the WHAT can’t help but to change. It’ll always change…many times unexpectedly.
A 16-year career doesn’t innoculate you against transition.
The thing that gives me the most joy isn’t WHAT I do; it’s WHO I get to do it with.
The Team You Play With
It’s been said the team you play with is more important than the field you play on. Basically, if you’re with the right people, it doesn’t matter what you do. You could be doing anything, anywhere, and feel right at home. But if you’re not with the right people, it doesn’t matter what you do. You could be doing anything, anywhere and feel lost.
I’ve decided that choosing my team is the most important thing for me. In some ways, it’s the thread that’s run through my entire life. I’m just now realizing it as I approach 40.
So this year, I’m on my Christopher Nolan.
WHO > WHAT
Here’s what I mean. One way you can spot a Christopher Nolan film is to look at his cast. Not his shots. Not a specific genre. His cast. His people.
When it comes to WHAT kind of movies he creates, he does ‘em all. He does sci-fi, comic book, historical non-fiction, etc. His “what’s” are all over the place and ever-changing.
But his “who’s” are something different. They’re constant. Stable. You know if Michael Caine is in the movie, it’s probably a Christopher Nolan film (he’s been in NINE).
Cillian Murphy has played everything from Scarecrow in Batman, Oppenheimer in Oppenheimer, Robert Fischer in Inception, Shivering Soldier#3 in Dunkirk.
Go down the list, and it’s the same for Christian Bale, Matt Damon, Michael Caine, Anne Hathaway, Tom Hardy, and the list goes on and on. Chris Nolan has his team. His people. He loves working with them, and they love working with him. I was reading an article reflecting on this team-building aspect of Nolan and they put it like this: “Nolan is often cited as a dream director to work with, an amazing collaborator who knows how to nudge actors in the direction he needs them to go without being fully dictatorial.““Nolan is often cited as a dream director to work with, an amazing collaborator who knows how to nudge actors in the direction he needs them to go without being fully dictatorial.“
I was drowning in possibility until I realized that my people…my teams were my life raft. When I look back at all the dope stuff I’ve been able to be a part of over these past few years, I know it’s only because of the whos I’ve gotten to do it with.
I bring beauty into the world by building the best teams on the planet.
I have that team, and as far as I’m concerned, they’re the secret to me accomplishing anything of significance as well as relearning who I really am.
After last year, I gathered a group of folks together and just told them, I don’t know what I’m going to do in the future, but I do know the who I’m going to do it with.
Them.
And in some ways…You!
If you’ve made it to the end…thanks for being a part of my team in the ways you have been. This does feel like an Oscar speech a bit. There’s too many people to name. But if you’ve ever left me a comment, an encouraging email, a paid subscription, a kind note, or even just a hug and handshake after passing me in an airport or in line somewhere, I count you as one of my who’s!
You’ve helped me bring beauty into the world.
I pray you find your people that’ll do the same for you.
Answering that question is INFINITELY more important than knowing what you’ll be spending your time on.
Peace.
Who’re your people?
My heart melted as I finished this post... I find myself in a similar place. But as I reflect on life I can really say life is always better based on who is on my team. While I grieve at times that the people I THOUGHT would be on my team are not due to betrayal and heartbreak, God had ALWAYS supernaturally sent who I needed not necessarily who I wanted.
Such good words. I noticed Carol's comment here as well. 4 years into retirement, mine forced by COVID lay offs, my husband's planned, I can say these are words for even those transitions. One feels a bit like a boat drifting in the ocean. Like your working through grief, this applies to so many. Keep sharing. It's so easy to say "my identity is in Christ" until life changes and I examine how others' view of my identity is more significant than I thought.