During this past football season, my dolphins looked very promising. As I was watching one game, the Dolphins were putting a beating on the Broncos and scored 70. My first response was to call my father, which is where I but I recognized just as I was getting ready to dial this number that he would not answer. This was more than a year and a half since he’s been gone. I’m just started grieving my father.
Losing my wife, dad, and grandmother within a nine month span didn’t give me a chance to really breath. It’s like doing a timed workout and the clock is at 5 seconds left and all of a sudden it resets to 5 mins. I’m emotionally cooked, physically drained but I gotta push thru it because there are people depending on me.
Six months after I tragically lose my wife, I find myself eulogizing my dad, who two months earlier was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 prostate cancer. The craziest part of all is the fact that after I finished preaching his eulogy and we concluded the service, I had preachers asking me for dates to preach at their church?!
I politely decline their invitations, but in my head I’m thinking, “What the hell are you thinking about? I just eulogize my father six months after my wife just passed away, and you asking me about preaching dates?”
One, this raised my awareness to how tone deaf people are to people who are grieving.
Secondly, I recognized the work of the Holy Spirit in my life to have the strength stand up declare His goodness while feeling like my world is falling apart and the reality of taking care of not only my household,
I found it interesting that I really didn’t want to do my father’s eulogy, but literally had to talk myself out of doing my wife’s eulogy. The biggest reason is didn’t want to present this false narrative that I WAS OK and clearly I was not OK.
Fam! In the same breath I can say (1) I can't imagine your loss and (2) I can feel your pain in so many ways. When I eulogized my brother, I remember praying for composure. I couldn't write anything until the morning of. I wrote it, delivered it without shedding a tear. And the rest of the day, people kept me telling me how encouraged they were and almost no one said "sorry for your loss" or "I'm so sorry you're still grieving." It's so wild how we confuse eloquence with emotional health and stability.
I can't imagine eulogizing a spouse and a parent in the same calendar year. Yet in some very diminished and derivative way, I feel your pain fam!
As I’m finishing my book on my personal grief, I feel like I missed an opportunity to write down some of the dumbest things I heard people say as a manual for people about what you shouldn’t say to someone who is grieving. 🤣😂
I felt this especially the part about wanting to call your loved one, but then remembering that they are not physically there. I also raised my awareness about how tone deaf people are to grieving as I received many inappropriate comments and requests within a week of my mom's passing.
As I continue to live with grief, I am still learning to be okay with it. Some days I succeed, others not so much.
When I lost my second child, my mom said “dale tiempo al tiempo”
All I wanted to do was feel better. I didn’t want to be sad. I didn’t want to fall in this state of depression again. I didn’t want to hold hands with grief. I wanted to reach that place where I accepted it and moved forward. Yet her words were to give time, time. Give healing time. Give grief time. Give yourself time. And really for me it was an invitation of honoring grief and giving myself grace and gentleness. Being honest that I wasn’t and still have moments where I’m not okay, but choosing to be present anyway.
I have to say, this really hit me in my chest cavity. I catch myself having bursts of anger and when I come to, I realize the pain I’ve had with my past is still not fully resolved. I’m not sure if it will ever be resolved but the acknowledgment of know that it still haunting us is the best start to true healing and freedom. I was heavily involved with music ministry with multiple churches in my city and sadly they messed me up pretty badly. Heck, even my current church has wounded me deeply. All I’m saying is the acknowledgment of grief and pain seems to always be there. Bless you my friend. You are a voice we need.
Blessings to you fam! There’s nothing like acknowledging you’re not okay. Every day. Before you know it, you realize that even though you’re not “healed”, you’re healthy.
I wrote a whole long comment then realized that a thank you and an acknowledgment your words on grief always come at the right time is what all I wrote boils down to. Thank you, bro 🙏🏾 🥹
"Death with no funerals. Funerals with no caskets." Ambiguous grief... it's been super hard (over the last three years) to travel down this dark journey that I couldn't define. Now I can. Thank you for opening my eyes to immersion and the language that has silenced my words, but not my weariness. Your writings give life. You are appreciated.
You know the feeling is mutual friend! I’m just trying to learn to speak fluently one phrase at a time. Now that you’re here in this comment section, I need a phrase from you! Something to help me learn how to speak grief better.
Right now the one that’s stays with me was given by Josefina. “Dale tiempo al tiempo” - give time, time.
Thank you for sharing. The bell hooks' quote about anger at the beginning of your article was everything! My dad spoke negatively about me to other people saying that I was angry. Am I supposed to be happy that my mom unexpectedly passed away? Instead of talking about me, why didn't my dad talk to me, try to help me, or try to find help for me? I'm already grieving and he acted like something was wrong with me just because my grief expressed itself as anger and his didn't. It's frustrating to have to deal with non-supportive family members during such an already vulnerable time.
That’s as heartbreaking as it is enlightening, Stacie. It’s not just that we don’t understand our anger, other people don’t either. Especially when that’s not how they deal.
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. How long ago was it? (Not that time matters…grief doesn’t really expire). How’s your relationship with your dad these days?
My mom passed away in October 2021. I haven’t been able to begin to grieve until last month. When my mom initially passed my grief counselor said that I have complicated grief because I had to deal with family issues instead of actually grieving my mom. I blocked my dad last month so we are not on speaking terms. Long story, but my dad ended up defending my aunt against me after my mom passed. My aunt is blocked too.
can't think of any grief phrases at the moment - which reminds me that sometimes there aren't any to give or share. if anything, learned to be brutally honest, meet myself where I am, and feel.
thank you for creating space for Grief that's ever surrounds us. <3
During this past football season, my dolphins looked very promising. As I was watching one game, the Dolphins were putting a beating on the Broncos and scored 70. My first response was to call my father, which is where I but I recognized just as I was getting ready to dial this number that he would not answer. This was more than a year and a half since he’s been gone. I’m just started grieving my father.
Losing my wife, dad, and grandmother within a nine month span didn’t give me a chance to really breath. It’s like doing a timed workout and the clock is at 5 seconds left and all of a sudden it resets to 5 mins. I’m emotionally cooked, physically drained but I gotta push thru it because there are people depending on me.
Six months after I tragically lose my wife, I find myself eulogizing my dad, who two months earlier was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 prostate cancer. The craziest part of all is the fact that after I finished preaching his eulogy and we concluded the service, I had preachers asking me for dates to preach at their church?!
I politely decline their invitations, but in my head I’m thinking, “What the hell are you thinking about? I just eulogize my father six months after my wife just passed away, and you asking me about preaching dates?”
One, this raised my awareness to how tone deaf people are to people who are grieving.
Secondly, I recognized the work of the Holy Spirit in my life to have the strength stand up declare His goodness while feeling like my world is falling apart and the reality of taking care of not only my household,
I found it interesting that I really didn’t want to do my father’s eulogy, but literally had to talk myself out of doing my wife’s eulogy. The biggest reason is didn’t want to present this false narrative that I WAS OK and clearly I was not OK.
Fam! In the same breath I can say (1) I can't imagine your loss and (2) I can feel your pain in so many ways. When I eulogized my brother, I remember praying for composure. I couldn't write anything until the morning of. I wrote it, delivered it without shedding a tear. And the rest of the day, people kept me telling me how encouraged they were and almost no one said "sorry for your loss" or "I'm so sorry you're still grieving." It's so wild how we confuse eloquence with emotional health and stability.
I can't imagine eulogizing a spouse and a parent in the same calendar year. Yet in some very diminished and derivative way, I feel your pain fam!
As I’m finishing my book on my personal grief, I feel like I missed an opportunity to write down some of the dumbest things I heard people say as a manual for people about what you shouldn’t say to someone who is grieving. 🤣😂
I felt this especially the part about wanting to call your loved one, but then remembering that they are not physically there. I also raised my awareness about how tone deaf people are to grieving as I received many inappropriate comments and requests within a week of my mom's passing.
These words John. 🥹
As I continue to live with grief, I am still learning to be okay with it. Some days I succeed, others not so much.
When I lost my second child, my mom said “dale tiempo al tiempo”
All I wanted to do was feel better. I didn’t want to be sad. I didn’t want to fall in this state of depression again. I didn’t want to hold hands with grief. I wanted to reach that place where I accepted it and moved forward. Yet her words were to give time, time. Give healing time. Give grief time. Give yourself time. And really for me it was an invitation of honoring grief and giving myself grace and gentleness. Being honest that I wasn’t and still have moments where I’m not okay, but choosing to be present anyway.
Dale tiempo al tiempo is going to be a phrase that forever lives inside my heart. Thanks for sharing that piece of your mom with me.
Yes. 🙌🏾 Words I’ve held and continue to let them hold me when life feels heavy. I hope they hold you too.
I have to say, this really hit me in my chest cavity. I catch myself having bursts of anger and when I come to, I realize the pain I’ve had with my past is still not fully resolved. I’m not sure if it will ever be resolved but the acknowledgment of know that it still haunting us is the best start to true healing and freedom. I was heavily involved with music ministry with multiple churches in my city and sadly they messed me up pretty badly. Heck, even my current church has wounded me deeply. All I’m saying is the acknowledgment of grief and pain seems to always be there. Bless you my friend. You are a voice we need.
Blessings to you fam! There’s nothing like acknowledging you’re not okay. Every day. Before you know it, you realize that even though you’re not “healed”, you’re healthy.
Healthy not healed. Healed is not a destination!🙏
100% my friend.
I wrote a whole long comment then realized that a thank you and an acknowledgment your words on grief always come at the right time is what all I wrote boils down to. Thank you, bro 🙏🏾 🥹
Fam! You already know how thankful I am for you.
Oh man that parking lot story is so relatable, I feel seen. Thank you for sharing your experience of grief with such grace and grit 🙏🏻
Thanks Emma! Glad to know I ain’t the only one that would’ve responded that way.
"Death with no funerals. Funerals with no caskets." Ambiguous grief... it's been super hard (over the last three years) to travel down this dark journey that I couldn't define. Now I can. Thank you for opening my eyes to immersion and the language that has silenced my words, but not my weariness. Your writings give life. You are appreciated.
You know the feeling is mutual friend! I’m just trying to learn to speak fluently one phrase at a time. Now that you’re here in this comment section, I need a phrase from you! Something to help me learn how to speak grief better.
Right now the one that’s stays with me was given by Josefina. “Dale tiempo al tiempo” - give time, time.
Thank you for sharing. The bell hooks' quote about anger at the beginning of your article was everything! My dad spoke negatively about me to other people saying that I was angry. Am I supposed to be happy that my mom unexpectedly passed away? Instead of talking about me, why didn't my dad talk to me, try to help me, or try to find help for me? I'm already grieving and he acted like something was wrong with me just because my grief expressed itself as anger and his didn't. It's frustrating to have to deal with non-supportive family members during such an already vulnerable time.
That’s as heartbreaking as it is enlightening, Stacie. It’s not just that we don’t understand our anger, other people don’t either. Especially when that’s not how they deal.
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. How long ago was it? (Not that time matters…grief doesn’t really expire). How’s your relationship with your dad these days?
My mom passed away in October 2021. I haven’t been able to begin to grieve until last month. When my mom initially passed my grief counselor said that I have complicated grief because I had to deal with family issues instead of actually grieving my mom. I blocked my dad last month so we are not on speaking terms. Long story, but my dad ended up defending my aunt against me after my mom passed. My aunt is blocked too.
Who? Who are my who peeps? Connect with my who peeps honestly
Are you saying you don't have anyone?
AND YOU DIG BELL HOOKS!!🙏🙏🙏🔥🔥🔥
“I’m not ok” either bro. Sitting with this
can't think of any grief phrases at the moment - which reminds me that sometimes there aren't any to give or share. if anything, learned to be brutally honest, meet myself where I am, and feel.
thank you for creating space for Grief that's ever surrounds us. <3