On Blackout Dates and Birthdays

A Post about Why I've Been Gone and Where You Can Find ME

I don’t remember much of 2015.

In my memory, 2015 stands shrouded in a thick fog of forgetfulness. Among this haze, only one pathway remains untouched. A narrow path about six weeks wide.

April 14th-June 7th.

During this time, I lost my brother prematurely, lost my faith completely, planted my third church reluctantly, and began my apprenticeship with sorrow unknowingly.

I’ve written extensively about that journey here, but what I haven’t talked about much is what the grief does to me every year. My experience with years is flip-flopped. Most of the years since 2015 have been extremely clear and vivid, except for a 4-week path that stays clothed in foggy lethargy and forgetfulness.

March 17th-April 14th.

Those are the dates written on my brother’s tombstone. His birthday and the day he passed. Beginning in 2016 those became my blackout dates—although I didn’t realize it until 2018 when my wife (so graciously) pointed it out to me. Every year, during that 4 week stretch, I’m no good.

Understand, grief is always with me. It’s in the background of everything I do. An extra in every scene, every place I go, and everywhere I turn. But, during this yearly 4-week stretch, grief aggressively moves to the foreground and renders me incapable in so many ways.

I don’t can’t go to the gym as regularly.

I don’t can’t smile as consistently.

I don’t can’t control my temper as easily.

I don’t can’t focus on work as diligently.

So starting in 2019, those became my blackout dates.

The people closest to me don’t necessarily excuse my behavior, they just make special allowances because they know the reason behind my off-ness. During that stretch, I unapologetically go dark and only really come up for air during March Madness (for almost 20 years, Sam and I shared the opening weekend of March Madness as our special happy place.)

I started off this year posting something almost every week and planned to take off those 4 weeks beginning in March.

This year, as I turned 40, those 4 weeks turned into 4 months 6 months 7 months 8 months (I’ve been revising this draft since June 4, 2004) and as I’m on my front porch in my study, on this perfect brisk Atlanta Saturday afternoon Sunday morning, I feel like I’ve finally caught my breath enough to catch you up to what these 7 8 months have been.

For the past 9.5 years sadness sticks to me in a way it didn’t use to. Something changed this year though. I extended my blackout dates, not because I was sad, but because I so immersed in the joy of living in the present that I haven’t really set aside time to reflect on it because I just wanted to enjoy what life has become. For the first time in a long time (maybe ever), as grief has been in the foreground, she’s been flaunting her complexity. With open hands, she’s shown me that for every dollar of sorrow she’s given me over the decade, she’s put another dollar of joy in a savings account.

And in this 40th year of life…I’m finally getting around to cashing the postdated check so many people told me was coming. This past year has provided a lot of closed loops to life’s plot holes.

So let me catch you up on these past 8 months.

April 14th, 2015 (the day that Sam passed) - I took my first leave of absence from my first doctoral program. (In 2020, I ended up dropping out completely after finishing up 42 hours of coursework, 3.8GPA, thousands of pages of reading, and a pretty strong outlining for a dissertation). I figured, I enjoyed much of the journey, but didn’t need to finish. (My wife graciously, and forcefully said otherwise).

• April 24th, 2024 - 9 days after the 9 year anniversary, I spoke to a couple thousand people about the beauty of embracing Grief as Language, not a journey.

  

  

  Orange Conference 2024 - Grief is a Language

• A week later I successfully defended my doctoral thesis (Grief Doesn’t Have an Expiration Date: Using Practices of Storytelling to Cultivate the Virtue of Patience in Grievers and Would-Be Comforters) in a pair of Jordan Lost & Found 1’s and officially became Dr. Chimdindu John Onwuchekwa.

  

  

  Doctoral Defense - Emory University May 2024

• A week after that I walked across that stage and (hopefully) put school behind me for the rest of my life.

  

  

  Graduation - Finally

• May - I started a new job (Sr. Director for Thought Leadership and Innovation) at City to City. In so many ways, this job feels like a custom suit that allows me to use my natural gifts of innovation and galvanizing people and resources to solve future problems that aren’t currently on anyone’s radar.

• June - Signed contracts to write my next two books Grief is a Language: Finding the Right Words When There Are None (dropping 2026), and another one tentatively titled On Revivals and Revolutions: The Forgotten Virtue Behind the World’s Most Memorable Movements (late 2027-2028 - this is a book on the virtue of patience).

• July - I turned 40.

• August - Received my official ADHD diagnosis (explains a lot), as well as learning I have Hashimoto’s Disease (again, explains a lot…I thought my fatigue, mental cloudiness, and unexpected weight gain was just turning 40, and didn’t realize it was my body turning against me). Started treatment for it, and I’m feeling fine now.

• September - Took my 40th birthday trip with 12 of my closest friends to Medellin! This was the trip of a lifetime for me. Throughout the last decade, these were 12 men who have shaped me in ways I’m forever indebted and could never repay.

  

  

  

  Medellin - 2024

• October-November —> I’ve been in the lab…In the thick of planning for WE GO ON TOUR ROUND 3. A 30 city tour (across 3 continents) crafted by storytellers, filmmakers, artists, comedians, and designers to create safe, unscary places to acknowledge grief, find hope, and build connection. It starts this Thursday, November 21st in ATL. Would love to have you pull up!

  • If you’re one of my paid subscribers, shoot me a DM and I’ll get you a code for a free ticket AT ANY CITY as a special thank you for supporting this work.

  • If you’re a reader, feel free to use the code ALLHOPE10 for a 25% discount on tickets.

  

  

  We Go On Tour 2023

Substack is telling me to WRAP IT UP, so no long goodbyes.

I missed y’all.

See you tomorrow.