Grief doesn’t only live in the mind. It changes the brain, affects the body, and can reshape our understanding of who we are.
In this episode of Grief Is A Language™, John Onwuchekwa sits down with renowned grief neuroscientist Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor to explore the science of love, loss, and the grieving brain. Dr. O’Connor explains why our brains continue to expect someone after they have died, why absence can feel physically present, and how the body must learn to regulate itself without the person who once made it feel safe.
Together, they discuss the physical effects of grief, identity loss, ambiguous loss, and why grief can return differently years later. They also explore how divorce, career changes, children leaving home, and other major transitions can cause us to grieve parts of ourselves—even when no one has died.
This conversation offers a powerful reframe: grieving is a form of learning. The relationship does not simply disappear; it changes. And while loss may alter the way we carry love, it cannot erase what that love taught us.
If you have ever wondered why you still reach for someone who is gone, why grief lives in your body, or who you are when “we” becomes “me,” this episode will help you better understand what your brain, body, and heart are learning to hold.
KEY POINTS
- Grief is a dynamic process of adapting to loss
- Everlasting code as a complex internal experience of absence and presence
- Impacts of grief in physical health: increased heart attack risk and stress
- The mental loop of "would have, could have, should have"
- The evolution of grief, in personal growth and different life stages
- Repercussions of avoiding grief
- How joy and grief can coexist
- Happiness does not dishonor the memory of a lost loved one
- Grief is a universal human experience
QUOTES
“Grief is a form of learning. Grief is not the same as grieving.” – Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor
“Mental health isn't about not having grief. Mental health isn't about not having bad moments. It's about having those and having all the good moments, too.” – Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor
“Grieving is learning how to build a life again, given that this loss is true.” – Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor
“If we neglect the body, it also has to cope with the loss of our person, and to the degree we don't understand how to bring the body into this learning process, it makes it harder to grieve.” – Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor
“Keep listening for the joy. Keep accepting that life does have both the good times and the really bad times.” – Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor
GUEST RESOURCES:
Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor
Website | maryfrancesoconnor.org
RESOURCES:
John Onwuchekwa
Website | johno.co
IG | @jawn_o
Grief Is A Language is produced by EPYC Media Network
